Identity crisis
I really should care less about worldly things.
Popularity. Acceptance by others. Or even the need to know that I mean something to others. To name a few.
These are just transient things in life. Gaining these now doesn't mean I'll have them with me forever. Gaining these doesn't help me in any way at all, but will instead cause my soul to only flourish when they are available, and fade when in lack of them. When it appears that your self-esteem feeds on such ungrounded things, it should be obvious that you're doomed, unless you change.
Looking back, I see myself as one who did many things because I wanted to get accepted by others. I did not do things that I know I should do because that just wasn't the norm. I can sacrifice something that meant a lot to me just to gain the right to be part of the world. This had resulted in a completely non-opinionated person, one who is unable to think because she wants to probe deeper into the subject matter, but rather one who only thinks in order to conjure up something witty and superfluous to contribute. It is almost impossible to conduct a deep conversation with me because of my lack of real thinking. Occasionally it even extended to engaging myself in dangerous situations, after which when accomplished could give me invisible gold medals to wear upon my sleeves and show off in the most discreet of manner. Sometimes I will question myself after, why did you? why did you? why did you? The answers were always there for me: I wanted to prove to the others, I wanted to show them, I wanted to gain recognition...How shallow...How really pathetic that my soul really flourishes and dies exactly this way as described.
It is expected that at this point I'll start to state some positive ways to combat this addiction. Sorry to disappoint. If only I haven't tried a thousand times to, I would. However, it is a given that I will battle this problem continually until the day that I find my individuality, if I even have one, if what I even had I can really count as my own and not leeched off others. Then I'll start to tell you that "life is really too short to live it the way as the world decreed it should be lived".
Popularity. Acceptance by others. Or even the need to know that I mean something to others. To name a few.
These are just transient things in life. Gaining these now doesn't mean I'll have them with me forever. Gaining these doesn't help me in any way at all, but will instead cause my soul to only flourish when they are available, and fade when in lack of them. When it appears that your self-esteem feeds on such ungrounded things, it should be obvious that you're doomed, unless you change.
Looking back, I see myself as one who did many things because I wanted to get accepted by others. I did not do things that I know I should do because that just wasn't the norm. I can sacrifice something that meant a lot to me just to gain the right to be part of the world. This had resulted in a completely non-opinionated person, one who is unable to think because she wants to probe deeper into the subject matter, but rather one who only thinks in order to conjure up something witty and superfluous to contribute. It is almost impossible to conduct a deep conversation with me because of my lack of real thinking. Occasionally it even extended to engaging myself in dangerous situations, after which when accomplished could give me invisible gold medals to wear upon my sleeves and show off in the most discreet of manner. Sometimes I will question myself after, why did you? why did you? why did you? The answers were always there for me: I wanted to prove to the others, I wanted to show them, I wanted to gain recognition...How shallow...How really pathetic that my soul really flourishes and dies exactly this way as described.
It is expected that at this point I'll start to state some positive ways to combat this addiction. Sorry to disappoint. If only I haven't tried a thousand times to, I would. However, it is a given that I will battle this problem continually until the day that I find my individuality, if I even have one, if what I even had I can really count as my own and not leeched off others. Then I'll start to tell you that "life is really too short to live it the way as the world decreed it should be lived".
Comments
some people wear very pretty mask to face other people, while some wear ugly mask. but at the end of the day, these people wear a mask because they care. we care about what people think of us. we care how people look at us. i guess this is normal, so dun feel bad.
i like the quote/line that u wrote at the last paragraph :)