21 at last....
But I don't feel anymore excited than I was when I turned 20. The number 2 in front probably numbed me long ago.
Now that I'm actually a real adult, I suddenly felt that there are a lot of responsibilities crushing down on me. There were things that I, as the eldest child in the family chose to ignore till now. I realised that there's no more trying to pretend that things will always go my way and that I should really stop taking things in life for granted. My education, for example. There was one day when it suddenly hit me strongly that my parents have no obligations to fund my university costs by themselves, they could've let me get a loan or work part time or something to get by and repay the debts after I graduate. I had already failed them once for A Levels but they continued to put high hopes in me. Suddenly I found myself going through a lot of what-if's. What if I don't do well in college? What if pharmacy is not for me? What if I can't graduate? What if, I fail them again?
Being true to myself now, I don't know if I'm really college material. But if I don't get a college degree, then I won't be able to support the family at all. The world is too judgemental of people without degrees or diplomas. Or perhaps, what I want to say is, I chose pharmacy because it seems like a, no, it is a widely respected profession instead of having a true passion for it? I seemed to have mixed interest and the yearning to be in the league of famous professions together when I decided to take up pharmacy. And now, I don't even know whether can I achieve this dream, whether I have the capabilities to achieve it, when I look back at my past results.
What do I want in life? What is it that I envision myself to be? These are questions that I've asked myself repeatedly. Sometimes I like to think that I'll really become a pharmacist and go on helping those in need. Volunteer my service at those impoverished countries. Do I really have that great a character in my bones? Other times I will fall back to some negative images of me. Being useless.
College starts in two weeks time. Orientation on the 21st August. I'm really apprehensive of the new faceless people that kept popping up in my head whenever I think about college. Please let me have the courage to face all these. I must have the courage to go on, whether or not I have chosen the right path for me.
Now that I'm actually a real adult, I suddenly felt that there are a lot of responsibilities crushing down on me. There were things that I, as the eldest child in the family chose to ignore till now. I realised that there's no more trying to pretend that things will always go my way and that I should really stop taking things in life for granted. My education, for example. There was one day when it suddenly hit me strongly that my parents have no obligations to fund my university costs by themselves, they could've let me get a loan or work part time or something to get by and repay the debts after I graduate. I had already failed them once for A Levels but they continued to put high hopes in me. Suddenly I found myself going through a lot of what-if's. What if I don't do well in college? What if pharmacy is not for me? What if I can't graduate? What if, I fail them again?
Being true to myself now, I don't know if I'm really college material. But if I don't get a college degree, then I won't be able to support the family at all. The world is too judgemental of people without degrees or diplomas. Or perhaps, what I want to say is, I chose pharmacy because it seems like a, no, it is a widely respected profession instead of having a true passion for it? I seemed to have mixed interest and the yearning to be in the league of famous professions together when I decided to take up pharmacy. And now, I don't even know whether can I achieve this dream, whether I have the capabilities to achieve it, when I look back at my past results.
What do I want in life? What is it that I envision myself to be? These are questions that I've asked myself repeatedly. Sometimes I like to think that I'll really become a pharmacist and go on helping those in need. Volunteer my service at those impoverished countries. Do I really have that great a character in my bones? Other times I will fall back to some negative images of me. Being useless.
College starts in two weeks time. Orientation on the 21st August. I'm really apprehensive of the new faceless people that kept popping up in my head whenever I think about college. Please let me have the courage to face all these. I must have the courage to go on, whether or not I have chosen the right path for me.
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